Conflicted.

This morning I came across an article ...

A Promising New Way to Screen for Down Syndrome

Just reading the headline makes me want to hurl, to be honest. And it makes me feel conflicted. Five years ago, I likely would have read this article with curiosity ... I mean, I did not want my unborn child to have Down syndrome.

The thought of it scared me. But I didn't know what I didn't know.



I get frustrated because I love my girls with every ounce of my soul. How could I think something like this is promising or exciting? Is it not essentially an effort to rid this earth of individuals with Down syndrome?

It brings me to tears.

And then there is a part of me that feels like I need to get it. It was the exact shoes I stood in 5 years ago. Now having two children with Down syndrome, I sort of find myself standing in those shoes once again ... you know, if we ever were to have children again. But it isn't because I wouldn't want another Payton or another Nika ... it is because I have my hands full with special needs and I really do not need any more.

So yeah ... as it sit here and type this rambled mess of thoughts ... I think it is different. And the headline still makes me want to hurl.

Rather than backspace a million times and try to explain my thoughts exactly, just watch this ...



Click here to be inspired. And click here to donate.

7 years.

It was January 12, 2004 ... I was at home anticipating the birth of my first child. I believe I was to be induced the next day and had already wrapped things up at work. My grandmother kept me company and we waited for Kyle to come home early from work ... for no real reason, he says, other than he just had an inkling that he should be home.

By 3 p.m. ... Kyle was home and we were hanging out with my grandmother. I went to get up from off of the couch and swoosh. Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh! I had been told that having your water break spontaneously was rare and I never dreamed that it would happen to me. I froze and had no clue what to do. I crossed my legs, bounced up and down and yelled for someone to get me a towel ... I had to stop the flow!

Well ... if you have ever had a spontaneous water break, you know you really cannot stop the flow. 

It was time ... we knew we had to get to the hospital, but first I wanted to jump in the shower to wash off my legs. Ha. Kyle about had a heart attack and I'm pretty sure he thought the baby was coming right then. Whatever dude, home girl needed to clean her legs.

By midnightish ... after laboring for about nine hours, it was time to push. Baby boy was coming and I was told he had a head full of dark hair. That shocked me!

I pushed ... and I pushed ... and I pushed some more.

The baby was sunny side up and clearly has a head like his momma ... read: big ... and after about two hours, they gave me two choices ... forceps or vacuum.

I chose vacuum.

It did not work. They pulled on baby boy's head so hard ... no luck. All I can picture is the doctor attaching the vacuum, putting her foot on the hospital bed for resistance and pulling with all her might. No luck.

Goodbye labor and delivery ... hello operating room. A little prep, a little tug and a baby's cry.

We are proud to announce the delivery of our first child ... a boy ... Mason James at 3:12 a.m. on January 13, 2004 ... weighing in at 8 lbs 9 oz and measuring 21 inches long.

4 weeks old

Dear Mason ...

Today you are 7 years old ... my first born, my little man. I realize this sounds so cliche, but where have the last 7 years gone? You are growing up so fast ... Momma wishes she could just freeze time for a little bit.

And yes, you still call me Momma ... your teacher thought that was so cute today when she heard you say that. Be still my heart.

I love how you look out for me and even more so, I love how you look out for your sisters. You are such a compassionate person and I thank God everyday for giving you that quality. I love watching you comfort your sisters, asking them if they are okay, including them in everything you do. If I could record and rewind those moments a million times over ... I would.

Your favorite food is macaroni and cheese and you often beg me to take you to McDonald's. Blech. Your favorite color is red. You love playing video games and you think your phone iPod Touch is pretty cool ... you stick it in your back pocket, just like an adult. You are very picky about what you wear ... you especially love wearing your pro football jerseys ... give you a polo shirt and you cause a ruckus. Every morning your hair has to be styled just so ... but you won't let me spike it, I have tried and tried. You like Justin Bieber ... and I say, more power to ya ... everyone has an idol, right? You love cars and motorcycles. And all you wanted for your birthday was Mighty Beanz ... and that is all you got ... lots of them. Although, I'm still trying to figure out what makes them so desirable, but whatever makes you happy, right?

You have come so far this year in school, with your reading especially. You love math, just like your Momma. I don't know what it is, but something has clicked and you are reading like a champ. You also are very artistic ... your teacher often tells us you have the grandest imagination of all the kids in your class. We are so proud of you!

You are such a great little ... err, big ... athlete. You excel at every sport you play ... you are making your Daddy proud. Well, you make me proud too ... but you know, I try to pretend I don't care about sports. Right now, you are very into football ... but you tend to like baseball a lot too.

Speaking of big ... you wear a size 8/9 in clothing and a size 3 shoe. You are the size of kids that are two or three years older than you ... Daddy just says that means you are sure to be a pro athlete. Momma says you have just got the Bosman genes. Just give me a few more years before you pass up your Dad and I, okay?

You and your cousin, Ethan, who is 4 years older than you.

Happy, happy 7th birthday, Mason. I feel so incredibly blessed to have you as my son ... definitely a very special gift from God. You are growing up so fast, but in so many ways you are still my baby boy.

A million hugs and kisses,
Momma

PS ... a birthday in the life of Mason ...

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice ...

Payton celebrated her birthday this past weekend girly style ... with all of her best girlfriends. Lots of pink ... lots of frou frou ... and most importantly, lots of smiles.







The dress shoppe. Grab whatever it takes to make you stylin ... feather boa, beaded necklace, doodle bop headband and heart shaped wand ... combine that with your tutu and you ought to be rockin by the time you are done.









I just have to say ... my niece is the most.scrumptious.thing.ever. Granted, I am biased, but look at her ... is she not the cutest? This picture just makes me smile ...



The beauty shoppe. Paint your nails, apply a little gloss ... every glam girl needs the perfect, final touch. Which color best suits you?







Special thanks to cousin Maddy for helping to run the beauty shoppe and making the girls look fabulous.







Haha ... that has to be the best picture ever ... no? Oh Evie ... you crack me up. Let's see it again ...





The food shoppe. Chicken nuggets, plain pasta, apple slices, goldfish and water ... some of Payton's favorites. Well, minus the apple slices. Ha.





The sweet shoppe. Every girl has a sweet tooth ... chocolate covered marshmallows, pixie sticks, cupcakes, double bubble gum and strawberry flavored marshmallows ... whatever will satisfy that sweet tooth ... it is all yours.







Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chicky, happy birthday to you!







Oh baby girl ... such a serious, beautiful face ...



The souvenir shoppe. Keepsakes are very much a part of who a girl is ... just a little something to take home. Bubble bath, a shower poof ... and don't forget all the other goodies you picked up in the shoppes.





The newest additions to our family ... twin girls, Cassidy and Taylor ...



Does it get any cuter?





After Payton and her girlfriends were done shopping, it was time to hit the club. We turned up Dora's birthday jams and got out the limbo stick ... it was so cute and the kids had a blast. 

Note to self: play the limbo at every subsequent birthday party.



It was hilarious to watch what each of them did ... some crawled under, some stepped over, some tried to hang from the pole and some just danced around it.



As soon as my niece saw what was going on, she crawled her little booty right on over ... it was hysterical to watch her from behind ...







A birthday party ... be it girly or not ... would not be a birthday party for Payton without her two favorite boys. I'm pretty sure Mason and my nephew, Jaxson, had just as much fun as the girls ... sans tutus.





I need to thank our friends and family for allowing this party to happen with just three days notice. We feel so incredibly blessed to call upon them at such short notice to celebrate such a special day with us ... thank you, thank you, thank you!

And I promise to try not to procrastinate in the future. Ha.

Thank you also for visiting the gift shoppe ... Payton was so excited to open all of her gifts that found their way to the shoppe. She has also promised me that we will donate some of her old toys to charity. And yes, that means we really are doing some toy purging ... soon.





Party tips, for those that have been asking ...

*Happy Birthday banner designed in photoshop, printed on cardstock and strung on ribbon.

*Feather tree accents made using feather boa pinned around a styrofoam cone (found at Michaels).

*Although you can't really tell in the photos, we blew up 50+ balloons in light pink, fuschia, black and silver to scatter across the floor. This was a hit among the kids!

*Shoppe signs made in photoshop, printed on cardstock and mounted on styrofoam board. If I really had my way, they would have been hung a little lower. Love you husband! Ha.

*The dress shoppe finds ... heart wands can be found at Michaels. Feather boas are also from Michaels in the craft aisle ... they were cut in half to become the perfect size for little girls to throw around their necks. Doodle bop headbands found in the dollar bins at Target and beaded necklaces can be found at any party store.

*The beauty shoppe finds ... lip gloss and nail polish both found in the dollar bins at Target.

*Flower cupcakes made using flower cupcake pan (found at William Sonoma) ... and decorated by my rockstar sister.

*Marshmallow treats made using jumbo marshmallows (found them at Super Target) stuck on skewers (tip: I used wooden skewers, but later wished I had bought the white sticks in the baking aisles at Michaels), dipped in pink colored white chocolate and topped with sprinkles. Cover with clear cellophane bags (found in the baking aisles at Michaels) and secure with ribbon. For display, I stacked two 2" pieces of styrofoam in a metal tin (found in the dollar bins at Target). I stuck the skewers in the styrofoam securely and then covered the styrofoam using Good and Plenty candies. 

*The souvenir shoppe finds ... cute little bins and pink bubble bath (all found in the dollar bins at Target).

*The venue ... I rented our community clubhouse, which worked perfectly.

Bittersweet. Payton is turning five.

Putting Payton to bed tonight was such a bittersweet moment. As we tucked her in, said our night nights and I love yous ... we reminded her that tomorrow is her birthday. She jabbered something back to us about school, leaving us not really sure if she truly understood.

As I gazed across the bed at her ... her jabber became a distant chatter as flashbacks of her birth scattered in my mind.

If only I had known then what I know now. 



If only I had known the ridiculously immense amount of love I would have for this child. 



If only I had known how proud this child would make me. 



If only I had known then that everything I thought mattered in life ... really doesn't matter. 



If only I had known then what I know now.

My baby is turning five years old ... and I'm not sure how to put into words the emotion this brings me. Sitting here, typing out f-i-v-e-y-e-a-r-s-o-l-d ... it just really chokes me up. It seems there is something about the significance of this birthday, yet I cannot quite put my finger on it.

She is a big girl now.



Having a child or two with birthdays right after the New Year typically leaves me in a scramble. In true Bethany fashion ... I decided late last night that we would have Payton's birthday party this weekend. As in, three days away. I was really feeling guilty for not having planned her party and felt I should not let my procrastination be a reason to delay her party into late January.

And so party we will.



Because if there is a life that deserved to be celebrated ... it has to be that of this girl ...



Now if you will excuse me ... I have to go see how those flower cupcakes are coming. Put a husband in the kitchen and things may go wrong. Ha.

Happy 5th Birthday, Payton ... we love you more than words can ever say!