It is okay. And it is worth it.

Infertility can be a hard thing... if you let it. We have been dealing with infertility for years. By now... we know to expect the worst and hope for the best. I think. But that does not mean that we do not get emotionally drained... sad... or incredibly frustrated. Because we do... and we can.

And it is okay.

Struggle helps to define who we are as human beings. It helps us grow and become better people. Yet... we are so afraid to be in that position, because we know how much it can hurt. But we overcome and realize how much we needed that struggle when we get to the other side.

And it is okay.

There have been times in our life that we have knowingly placed ourselves in a vulnerable position. Infertility treatments. Adoption. Adoption of a child that has Down syndrome. Should we choose to turn the other way and push these things away... just because we know we could be hurt by these very things? Or do we choose to move head on... because we know the love and joy that we can get from these things?

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

~Wayne Gretzky

It is worth it.

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Working on dusting off this little blog in cyberspace...

Kyle and I enjoyed a complimentary trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico... courtesy of his employer. Jobs in the private sector rock. It was a nice break as we prepared to return home to infertility treatments... a time to reflect on our past, present and future. And miss our babies, mostly.

Our blurry self portrait... we have to take what we can get.

The older our kids get... the harder it is for us to leave them home. So often throughout our trip, we found ourselves saying, "Oh my gosh, Mason would love this." or "We have to bring the kids back here." I know how precious my childhood memories are to me and I want my kids to have that too... in abundance.

We walked on the bottom of the sea while we were there. It was so weird and scary and cool. They put these astronaut looking helmets on you as you descend under water... and even though you can stick your hand up in your helmet to scratch your face... somehow you can breathe and in fact, your hair doesn't even get wet.




Salud Mexico... be back soon.



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We recently celebrated my niece's baptism. We admittedly have been absent from church and it was nice to be reminded of the reason I love it so much. A good cry during Amazing Grace or wanting to comfort the woman behind me that has cried the entire service. My soul needs that hour on Sunday mornings... and I want my kids to have that too. It is a little embarrassing when your kids go up for the children's sermon and they barely know how to pray... or if you are my youngest, you just stand in the middle of all the kids and wave to the congregation during prayer. Or if you are my oldest, you accept communion, even though you haven't been through your First Communion yet. Or if you are my middle child, you lunge for a handful of communion wafers, as the poor gentleman tries to stop you... just because you can. Sigh.

We enjoyed having Kyle's parents stay with us the weekend of the baptism. My father-in-law tackled my honey-do list... thank you very much... and my kids were so excited to spend that time with their grandparents.

Hats courtesy of Dick's Last Resort... ha!

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The girls have begun therapeutic horseback riding... they love it. And I love it... it is so fun to do something... different. Now I secretly want to run away and live in a ranch with my horses. Ha.

It took Payton about a half hour to get up the courage to get on the horse during her first session. Now... she is golden.



Nika has no fear... she jumped right on and was trotting on day one.



The girls' therapist is amazing... it is so fun to watch and see how she incorporates so many things into horseback riding. More to come...

It's beyond frustrating... infertility, that is.

Somehow it's been over a year since our failed attempt to have another baby. We had two embryos frozen from when we went through in vetro fertilization with Payton. I felt strongly about using those embryos rather than start fresh... I think mostly because they were Payton's fraternal twins.

One survived the thaw, one didn't.

We were pregnant for a hot minute... ecstatic until we learned the embryo had arrested in development and we had a chemical pregnancy on our hands.

I was truly gutted.

A charm Kyle got me after we found out I was pregnant... before we learned it was a chemical pregnancy.

Fast forward to the present... we tried again. Over the course of the past several weeks... we reintroduced ourselves to daily injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, anesthesia and an egg retrieval, an embryo transfer, bed rest and high anxiety.



I am five and a half weeks pregnant... but I am miscarrying.

I am sad and frustrated... incredibly frustrated. Going through infertility treatments requires so much money, so much time... so much is invested in this one chance to have a baby. And to be so close... yet so far away... it is beyond frustrating.

So now we wait. We have five embryos on ice across town... praying one of them will make their debut into this world someday.

It is hard.

I'm an emotional mess. I feel like it is not so much the chemical pregnancy ... but my hormones. Geesh. I really do feel like I am at peace with the fact that I am not pregnant. I think ... unless my mind is playing tricks on me. I am trying to have hope for the future ... hoping that God will move mountains and we will be able to try again. I can't not think like that.

I will be honest and just say I'm not in a great place right now. I know this. In hindsight ... I know the toll that this failed FET has taken on me has something to do with it. I find myself needing to focus. I feel like a robot. I am not happy with where I have allowed myself to get. And I'd like these damn hormones to leave my body.

I really have no idea why I am spewing this on my blog. I have never really been a private person, so why start now. This is all part of the journey. I am so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends and family ... near and far ... those I have met and those I have only talked to. Their support of me over the years means more to me than words could ever describe. Whether we were struggling with Payton's diagnosis, going through an international adoption, struggling with infertility ... or any other significant thing.

But it is hard. It is hard because most people do not truly understand what you are going through when such significant events come knocking on your door. The words and the support are so very necessary ... yet, I find it hard to verbalize my true emotions to these very people because they really do not get it. I suppose they can try to empathize ... but that does not even come close to walking in the shoes. I find myself pulling away, to an extent, from these very people in order to protect my heart. I don't want to hear comments that upset me ... and while I know every single person means well, it is hard. I tend to keep in my comfort zone. When I struggle with Down syndrome and all that comes with it, I call my Down syndrome mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with bonding and attachment, I call my adoption mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with the emotions of infertility, I call my infertility mommas ... because they get it.

I struggle with this because I really do not want to push anyone away ... not at all. I need the support. Some calls and emails have not been returned. This is why. Perhaps it is wrong, but this is why. Each call, every email ... they are cherished in so many more ways than I can put into words. Please know this. But I need to protect my heart ... I understand it is guarded, but it is how it is for now. Much love.

so many reasons.

there are so many reasons why i wanted this to work.

this baby would have been payton's fraternal twin ... born six years later.

my beta was scheduled for today.
valentine's day.
today also happens to be my grandmother's 80th birthday.

i would have been due on october 21, 2011.

that is nika's birthday.

i was due with payton on mason's birthday.

i just really, honestly thought it was meant to be.

our baby tried.

it snuggled in.

seven days past transfer i got a positive result.

i was pregnant.

i was freakin ecstatic.

i had spent that entire morning sobbing thinking it hadn't worked.

and then i tested again, just this one time.

it was positive.

it was just payton and i at home.

i jumped up and down.

i sobbed tears of joy.

i told payton we were having a baby.

she jumped up and down.

and looked around for said baby.

she didn't understand ... but i'll never forget that moment.

we called daddy together.
he just laughed at me because i was freaking out and i could not stop crying.
he was so excited.

but then i continued to get only faint test results using other brands.

that scared me.

nine days past transfer i retested with another digital test.
the same brand from which i had received my positive.

BFN.

big fat negative.

i.was.crushed.

gutted.

i sobbed.

and sobbed some more.

two days later.
i got another positive.
i was so confused.

it is isolating.

infertility is so freakin isolating.

today my nurse confirmed a negative test result.

i have lost this baby.

a chemical pregnancy.

guess that is what they call it.

i am gutted.

i really thought it was meant to be.

Stick stick stick!

Sometimes ... when you are on 24-hour bed rest ... feeling anxious ... you might think that reading some inspirational quotes might help your mood. And sometimes ... instead of landing on a quote that spews wine and roses ... you find just what you need to make you laugh.

Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the *bleepity bleep* is everyone pregnant but me?

Ah, much better.

No really ... other people being pregnant does not bother me. At one time, it did. But right now ... I am super excited for all the people in my life that are pregnant ... my sister, my sister-in-law, two of my cousins, one of my best friends, a good neighbor friend, a long time friend.

Seriously, can I get some of that water ya'll are drinking?

Oh right ... on to today.

This morning my stomach was in knots. I took a whole lot of deep breaths to try to release some of my anxiety, but I am not sure how much it worked. I was so nervous that neither blast would survive the thaw. That would put us back at square one with no feet to walk on.

On our way to the doctor, my nurse called me with some information I had requested ...

Your blasts were frozen on day 6 and both were Grade 1 ... which is the best you can get. I really don't think you will have any problems with them surviving the thaw ... these are great blasts.

*tears*

I told Kyle that the two blasts we had transferred back in 2005 were rated equal or above to these two frozen blasts and one of them was rated below the blasts that were frozen. The problem was that the two that ended up being frozen were developing a little more slowly and they were not ready for my day 5 transfer.

Did I lose ya yet?

Anyway, Kyle said, "Well at least we know they are fighters! They are Payton's fraternal triplets and we know she is a bull headed little thing ... so these guys must be too."

Love him.

Unfortunately ... when we got to the doctor, we were told that only one of our blasts survived the thaw. I tried to hold it together, all the while knowing how our odds had just been slashed in half.

The surviving blast was rated at 80% ... and 80% and above is what they hope for. The second blast was only rated at 40-50% ... they discouraged us from transferring that blast, in light of the poor quality.

We agreed.



So we have one little blast ... stick stick stick!!

And seriously ... thank you so, so much to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers. I have been moved to tears more than once ... and I swear I do not regret my decision to open up about this.

Infertility sucks!!

Please pray.

type type type. backspace backspace backspace.

I am here to ask for your prayers.

I have not been sure whether or not to put myself out there like this. But I have decided that I will. Because this is something that is weighing heavily on me. Because this is part of who we are. Because this is part of who so many people are.

Kyle and I have decided that we would like to have a baby. One problem ... we cannot just knock boots to make that happen.

The amount of stress ... anxiety ... emotion that infertility causes is dreadful. Unless you have experienced infertility, I'm not sure you ever really can understand what it is like to want a baby so badly ... but not be able to do a damn thing about it.  

Mason and Payton were both conceived through in vetro fertilization. This was after several years of trying the old fashioned way, taking Clomid and then going through four failed intrauterine inseminations. We were sure that each step we took was going to be it ... we were going to get pregnant.

Nada. Nil. Nothing.

To experience the big.fat.negative. month after month for years ... I can't even explain how it wears on a person's soul.

Until we moved on to in vetro fertilization. We were blessed with great insurance at the time, allowing us to financially afford to be able to do it. Not anymore ... no more coverage for fertility treatments. That sucks.

So for now ... we have one chance. One really small chance. 

When we went through treatment for Payton, we had a total of four blastocysts that made it to day five. Two were transferred ... one took. And that is my most perfect baby girl ever.

So we had two left over ... Payton's fraternal triplets, in essence. We froze them. They have been frozen for almost six years now. And the catch is that they were froze under ancient methods ... apparently. That sucks. We are told that our ultimate odds of having a baby from these two frozen blasts is 30%.

30% ... that is not ideal.

We have been doing injections ... or maybe I should clarify that *I* have been receiving injections. Ha. And Tuesday is the big day.

Tuesday we will find out whether or not our blastocysts can survive thawing. Step one. And I have to be honest and say that I am not prepared to have the thawing fail. I need to at least get the chance to have this work.

Step two. Both blasts will be transferred and in a couple weeks ... we will know whether or not it worked.

Gosh, please pray. This has to work. We cannot afford to begin a fresh cycle right now ... and we are so ready for this. We have waited until Addison was well adjusted into our family and until we knew that our bond with her was strong. The time has come.

Please pray.