It is okay. And it is worth it.

Infertility can be a hard thing... if you let it. We have been dealing with infertility for years. By now... we know to expect the worst and hope for the best. I think. But that does not mean that we do not get emotionally drained... sad... or incredibly frustrated. Because we do... and we can.

And it is okay.

Struggle helps to define who we are as human beings. It helps us grow and become better people. Yet... we are so afraid to be in that position, because we know how much it can hurt. But we overcome and realize how much we needed that struggle when we get to the other side.

And it is okay.

There have been times in our life that we have knowingly placed ourselves in a vulnerable position. Infertility treatments. Adoption. Adoption of a child that has Down syndrome. Should we choose to turn the other way and push these things away... just because we know we could be hurt by these very things? Or do we choose to move head on... because we know the love and joy that we can get from these things?

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

~Wayne Gretzky

It is worth it.

*

Working on dusting off this little blog in cyberspace...

Kyle and I enjoyed a complimentary trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico... courtesy of his employer. Jobs in the private sector rock. It was a nice break as we prepared to return home to infertility treatments... a time to reflect on our past, present and future. And miss our babies, mostly.

Our blurry self portrait... we have to take what we can get.

The older our kids get... the harder it is for us to leave them home. So often throughout our trip, we found ourselves saying, "Oh my gosh, Mason would love this." or "We have to bring the kids back here." I know how precious my childhood memories are to me and I want my kids to have that too... in abundance.

We walked on the bottom of the sea while we were there. It was so weird and scary and cool. They put these astronaut looking helmets on you as you descend under water... and even though you can stick your hand up in your helmet to scratch your face... somehow you can breathe and in fact, your hair doesn't even get wet.




Salud Mexico... be back soon.



*



We recently celebrated my niece's baptism. We admittedly have been absent from church and it was nice to be reminded of the reason I love it so much. A good cry during Amazing Grace or wanting to comfort the woman behind me that has cried the entire service. My soul needs that hour on Sunday mornings... and I want my kids to have that too. It is a little embarrassing when your kids go up for the children's sermon and they barely know how to pray... or if you are my youngest, you just stand in the middle of all the kids and wave to the congregation during prayer. Or if you are my oldest, you accept communion, even though you haven't been through your First Communion yet. Or if you are my middle child, you lunge for a handful of communion wafers, as the poor gentleman tries to stop you... just because you can. Sigh.

We enjoyed having Kyle's parents stay with us the weekend of the baptism. My father-in-law tackled my honey-do list... thank you very much... and my kids were so excited to spend that time with their grandparents.

Hats courtesy of Dick's Last Resort... ha!

*



The girls have begun therapeutic horseback riding... they love it. And I love it... it is so fun to do something... different. Now I secretly want to run away and live in a ranch with my horses. Ha.

It took Payton about a half hour to get up the courage to get on the horse during her first session. Now... she is golden.



Nika has no fear... she jumped right on and was trotting on day one.



The girls' therapist is amazing... it is so fun to watch and see how she incorporates so many things into horseback riding. More to come...

It's beyond frustrating... infertility, that is.

Somehow it's been over a year since our failed attempt to have another baby. We had two embryos frozen from when we went through in vetro fertilization with Payton. I felt strongly about using those embryos rather than start fresh... I think mostly because they were Payton's fraternal twins.

One survived the thaw, one didn't.

We were pregnant for a hot minute... ecstatic until we learned the embryo had arrested in development and we had a chemical pregnancy on our hands.

I was truly gutted.

A charm Kyle got me after we found out I was pregnant... before we learned it was a chemical pregnancy.

Fast forward to the present... we tried again. Over the course of the past several weeks... we reintroduced ourselves to daily injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, anesthesia and an egg retrieval, an embryo transfer, bed rest and high anxiety.



I am five and a half weeks pregnant... but I am miscarrying.

I am sad and frustrated... incredibly frustrated. Going through infertility treatments requires so much money, so much time... so much is invested in this one chance to have a baby. And to be so close... yet so far away... it is beyond frustrating.

So now we wait. We have five embryos on ice across town... praying one of them will make their debut into this world someday.

A special request from Mason...

Mason came home from school today telling me that he wants to raise money for leukemia. His school is hosting Pennies for Patients for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Mason knows that some of our closest friends have been affected by leukemia; one of my best friends has CML and several of our friends' kids have had different types of leukemia. Having Down syndrome increases the risk of leukemia, so this is something that is pretty near and dear to our hearts.

Mason is bound and determined to raise the most money in his school for leukemia ... and hopefully get a pizza party for his class. I told him that I would help him set up a fundraiser here on my blog ... but that he needed to be the one to ask for help. So without further ado, I had the mike over to Mason.



THERE IS A GIRL WITH LEUKEMIA NAMED GABY. I NEED TO RAISE MONEY. SHE IS 10 YEARS OLD.  SHE GOT IT IN AUGUST 2007. LEUKEMIA IS  WHEN SOMETHING RONG WITH YOUR BLOD. ME AND MY SISTER NEED HELP.  WE NEED TO COLLECT AS MUCH MONEY AS WE CAN TO HELP. ANY AMNT IS WELCOME. MY GOAL IS TO GET 300 DOLERS FOR EACH OF US.


PLEASE HELP US.
MASON

To donate... simply click on the chip in widget or paypal direct to bethanybalsis@mac.com ... thank you for helping Mason's goal come true!

*Edited 3/10/12 - the first chipin expired, so we created a second one for the remainder of his goal. Thank you!

happy heart day.

... all the love in the world.

We headed upstairs as we prepared for bedtime last night. Mason and Payton were a little behind... they wanted to "get water" to take to bed with them. A common ritual in our house. The two of them then ran up the stairs like a herd of elephants, exclaiming that they had made lemonade.

Payton held up her cup and yelled, "Mom! 'Nade!"



Encouraging her for a job well done -- and wondering how in the hell she made lemonade, I said, "You made lemonade? Whoa, good job!"

Fast forward... the kids went to bed and Kyle and I retreated downstairs. I went to the kitchen to grab the Mt. Dew I had opened just before we went upstairs. I understand I could have a better choice of drinks... it is my guilty pleasure. You drink wine, I drink Mt. Dew. You drink beer, I drink Mt. Dew. You smoke, I drink Mt. Dew. Ha.

Empty.

Uh huh. Lemonade alright! 

Kyle and I sat there, laughed and tried to figure just exactly how that conversation went down.

Mason: Here Payton, want some of Mom's Mt. Dew?
Payton: Yeah!
Mason: Okay, tell Mom it is lemonade. Okay?
Payton: Yeah... 'nade!

Little shits stinkers. Little love muffins.



It is moments like these that I sit back and say, "See self... she totally gets it. She can lie with the rest of 'em. She can deceive with the rest of 'em. She might have Down syndrome... but that doesn't stop her from nothing!"

And she sure is damn cute while she's at it.

::

I recently came across this cross that we were given when we adopted Nika. In all honesty... I don't even remember receiving it. But it was such a blessing to find it.


It says her Russian name + baptism + February 2, 2007.

It is the cross she was given... I presume... at her baptism.



Today is the five year anniversary of the day Nika was baptized. At the time... she was an orphan living in a Russian baby home.

There is so much we don't know about those first two years of her life... so much we wish we knew. And so much we don't know about her baptism... I guess I feel blessed to know that she even was baptized... Russian Orthodox, I assume? Did she have sponsors? I don't know... wish I knew.



I really have this yearning tonight to find Nika's birth parents. It isn't often that I even think of them... but tonight, I am. I really just want to see them. And if ever given the opportunity... I would love to show them that this little girl that they had no hope for... she is doing amazing things. And she is so deserving of all the love in the world.