Until it is you.

So I have had all these intentions of finishing a blog post that is half drafted about um ... not much. But then today rolled around ... and this momma was dealt a bit of a scare. And it isn't so much the scare that I want to focus on ... yet how to prevent this from happening again.

Because with these two chicks ... I know it is bound to happen.

Earlier this afternoon, I lost the girls. We were all outside playing ... they were riding around in their jeep and Mason was playing basketball. I ran inside to get my shoes and the next thing I know ... Mason came running in telling me something was seriously wrong.

The girls were missing. He had gone around the side of the house to get a ball and in that time ... they had driven off. He ran down the street where he thought they had gone ... nothing.

About 20 minutes later ... after sobbing, driving around our side streets like a maniac, sobbing some more, asking my neighbors for help, sobbing and getting the police involved ... they were found. They had made their way to a trail that runs back behind our houses ... ditched their jeep and were walking hand-in-hand.

With not a care in the world.

And this is my concern. I am really not a fan of characterizations, but seriously ... children with Down syndrome like to flee. We have to keep a close eye on the girls ... and Mason ... bless his heart ... is a great second set of eyes for us. And as much as it is not his job ... he really takes it upon himself and that is a huge help since ... you know, I don't have eyes in the back of my head.

The difference is that my girls will take off and just do their thang. They have no clue how far they are from home ... or that they are lost ... or that they have no clue how to find their way home. They have no sense of fear.

As I have been rehashing this in my mind today ... I have found myself comparing my girls to Mason. If Mason ever came close to getting lost when he was younger, he would shriek out in fear ... "Mom! Mom!" And the tears would flow.

My girls? Not so much. 

So I am carrying a conversation from facebook over here to my blog ... because I think it is important. I have seen these little electronic monitoring bracelets that some kids with special needs are wearing ... I just have not been sold.

Until now. Until it happens to you in the two seconds you looked away. Because that is how it happens. And you never think it will be you ... until it is you.

After we were reunited with the girls ... one of the police officers asked Payton her name. I had to explain to him that she can't say her name. My five year old cannot say her name. She cannot tell you who her parents are. She does not know what her address is. Nor does she even know what city she is from. I think that was hard for him to understand, but he was very nice about it.  

It just really made me think.

Sad that it takes something like this for me to prepare for the next time ... if there is a next time, God forbid. This isn't the first time Payton has been lost ... but I think having the police involved made it that much more grand.

Here are some things I am doing ...

1) Those little ID cards they send home from school? Or even the ones you can have made at your local Sheriff's office? Keep them. Put them in your wallet. Know exactly where they are. 

*The officers were running around my house looking for pictures of the girls. Current pictures. I was in such a panic ... I couldn't even think. I didn't even know where to look ... in my own house. I had one of our Christmas cards laying on the counter (see ... I knew my mess of a house was good for something) and the officer snapped pictures of each of the girls into her cell phone, uploaded it to dispatch ... err something ... and told me that each of their photos would pop up on the screen of every squad car. Freakin technology is awesome. But even more awesome would be having a mom that is prepared for something like this.

2) ID bracelets. I just ordered each of the girls one of these ... I imagine I will put them around their ankles, but we will see how that works out. For $8.95 each ... I figure I cannot go wrong.

3) I am looking at this or this or this ... and wanting more suggestions as to what might be best.

That's all. My head hurts. My babies are safe and sleeping in their beds. Never a dull moment ... that is for sure.

Think about it.

Don't pity them. Don't talk down to them. Be open to them. Be open to people. It changed my life, I think it would change yours.
~Johnny Knoxville, discussing use of the R word and reflecting on his work in The Ringer with Eddie Barbanell, an individual that has Down syndrome

Talk to them. Be their friend. Love them. Hug them. Do anything to raise the spirits of people with different abilities. It is like God taking something away from them in one area and making them extraordinary in other areas. Break down the walls. Break down the stereotypes. Break down every wall you can.
~Eddie Barbanell, an actor that has Down syndrome



I have been told before that I am too sensitive when it comes to the R word. Quite honestly, that is hurtful. Just as hurtful as the R word. Is that what you are going to tell my girls too ... when one day they inevitably will come crying to me because their feelings are hurt after hearing someone called them retarded? Are you going to tell them they are being insensitive too?

Do you realize just how often the R word is thrown around?



I know. I used to be one of those people. How ignorant was I?

The I-didn't-mean-it-that-way arguments are meaningless. It doesn't matter how you meant it. Using the word insinuates so many things about my girls ... about any person with an intellectual disability.



Think about it. 

Is there anyone in your life that has changed your perspective of the use of the R word?

a celebration of life.

our family recently celebrated life, in more ways than one.

my niece turned one.

seriously.

i look at her and my heart skips a beat.

my grandmother turned 80.

she and i.

we are one in the same.

and we celebrated both of them.

my sister is a rockstar baker.

look at these owl cupcakes.

freakin adorable.

we had a just dance 2 competition.

kyle got gram on the dance floor.

she loves him.

anyone who will pay her extra attention.

they got her love.

family snaps.

quite possibly the most.stressful.thing.ever.

the whole extended fam.

gram and her daughters.

gram, her grandchildren and their spouses.

gram and her great-grandchildren.

the kids call her gigi.

kyle and my brother-in-law got gram soup for her birthday.

haha.

sort of an inside joke.

but gram is always complaining that all she gets to eat is soup.

she says she is sick of it.

did i mention my sister is a rockstar baker?

check out big owl.

olivia wasn't so sure of her cake at first.

picky princess, she is.

she had more fun feeding it to uncle kyle.

haha.

my baby cousin is going into the Air Force. 

i am so proud of him. 

he spent a lot of time with us over the past year.

my kids absolutely adore him.

he leaves for basic training in may.

apparently the thing to do when a soldier leaves is to toast him.

with a shot of liquor.

who knew.

and if you are my mother ... you buy whiskey.

nonetheless.

toast him we did.

the only thing missing from this day was my grandfather.

although i know he was there in spirit.

he would not have missed it for nothing.

and to top the day off.

nigel grabbed a knee and proposed to his girlfriend.

*sniff*

it was so sweet.

i cried.

they make each other so happy.

and that makes me happy.

It is hard.

I'm an emotional mess. I feel like it is not so much the chemical pregnancy ... but my hormones. Geesh. I really do feel like I am at peace with the fact that I am not pregnant. I think ... unless my mind is playing tricks on me. I am trying to have hope for the future ... hoping that God will move mountains and we will be able to try again. I can't not think like that.

I will be honest and just say I'm not in a great place right now. I know this. In hindsight ... I know the toll that this failed FET has taken on me has something to do with it. I find myself needing to focus. I feel like a robot. I am not happy with where I have allowed myself to get. And I'd like these damn hormones to leave my body.

I really have no idea why I am spewing this on my blog. I have never really been a private person, so why start now. This is all part of the journey. I am so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends and family ... near and far ... those I have met and those I have only talked to. Their support of me over the years means more to me than words could ever describe. Whether we were struggling with Payton's diagnosis, going through an international adoption, struggling with infertility ... or any other significant thing.

But it is hard. It is hard because most people do not truly understand what you are going through when such significant events come knocking on your door. The words and the support are so very necessary ... yet, I find it hard to verbalize my true emotions to these very people because they really do not get it. I suppose they can try to empathize ... but that does not even come close to walking in the shoes. I find myself pulling away, to an extent, from these very people in order to protect my heart. I don't want to hear comments that upset me ... and while I know every single person means well, it is hard. I tend to keep in my comfort zone. When I struggle with Down syndrome and all that comes with it, I call my Down syndrome mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with bonding and attachment, I call my adoption mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with the emotions of infertility, I call my infertility mommas ... because they get it.

I struggle with this because I really do not want to push anyone away ... not at all. I need the support. Some calls and emails have not been returned. This is why. Perhaps it is wrong, but this is why. Each call, every email ... they are cherished in so many more ways than I can put into words. Please know this. But I need to protect my heart ... I understand it is guarded, but it is how it is for now. Much love.

so many reasons.

there are so many reasons why i wanted this to work.

this baby would have been payton's fraternal twin ... born six years later.

my beta was scheduled for today.
valentine's day.
today also happens to be my grandmother's 80th birthday.

i would have been due on october 21, 2011.

that is nika's birthday.

i was due with payton on mason's birthday.

i just really, honestly thought it was meant to be.

our baby tried.

it snuggled in.

seven days past transfer i got a positive result.

i was pregnant.

i was freakin ecstatic.

i had spent that entire morning sobbing thinking it hadn't worked.

and then i tested again, just this one time.

it was positive.

it was just payton and i at home.

i jumped up and down.

i sobbed tears of joy.

i told payton we were having a baby.

she jumped up and down.

and looked around for said baby.

she didn't understand ... but i'll never forget that moment.

we called daddy together.
he just laughed at me because i was freaking out and i could not stop crying.
he was so excited.

but then i continued to get only faint test results using other brands.

that scared me.

nine days past transfer i retested with another digital test.
the same brand from which i had received my positive.

BFN.

big fat negative.

i.was.crushed.

gutted.

i sobbed.

and sobbed some more.

two days later.
i got another positive.
i was so confused.

it is isolating.

infertility is so freakin isolating.

today my nurse confirmed a negative test result.

i have lost this baby.

a chemical pregnancy.

guess that is what they call it.

i am gutted.

i really thought it was meant to be.